Why do Humans like to Scare Themselves? That’s so Weird.

The next time you blame Facebook or the fourteen-year-old-hoodrats on the subway for supporting the multimillion dollar Saw movie franchise, throw out your empty Pret-A-Manger coffee cup, and blame “science“.

And don’t be a hypocrite either. You’ve probably seen that film where a girl is sewn by her mouth to some Japanese guy’s butt. The Human Centipede only raked in about two hundred grand in the box office, but it has brought home the bookoo bucks by being reintroduced to the American public on DVD. To date, its made millions of dollars.

Just think about it. People couldn’t get enough of the creepy German doctor, the poop in the mouth, or the girl in the middle who died of infection and just hung there. People bought it on DVD. They brought that into their homes.

We were disgusted by it. We cried, we screamed. We yelled “Bitch don’t go in there!”. And worst of all, we liked feeling this way.
Why do humans like to feel scared? Once again, we can blame this stupid crap on “science“. No, not the much under-appreciated Incubus album, but the actual study of life and the universe.

In ancient times, our human ancestors were at the bottom of the food chain (omg no. way.) They were more likely to hide where ever they could rather than go after a wooly-mammoth.

This Guy knows what we’re talking about.

In fact, its speculated that our oldest cousins actually could feel when danger was coming. This superpower still exists today, and sometimes it is misunderstood or given klonopin. It’s called being paranoid. Yep. Being paranoid was once a life-saving instinct that probably contributed to our longevity as a species.

Are you a female? Do you walk down the street clutching your purse? Because every man alive is after you? Well maybe they’re not, but at least you’d be ready…

And as weird as it sounds, small doses of paranoia are good for you. How do we nurture this instinct? Why, by scaring the living daylights out of ourselves for fun.

In addition to paranoia, another helpful thing our body does to save us from danger is produce adrenaline. In the face of danger, our body’s adrenal glands will release the hormone Epinephrine (otherwise known as adrenaline) to prepare us for impending pain or suffering. It increases our tolerance for pain and allows our minds to make quick decisions. It also helps treat chronic conditions such as allergies or asthma.

Bring on the Pain!

What happens when you’re scared? Your palms might get sweaty, your heart rate will increase, you’re super aware of the fat guy in the movie theater seat next to you…Don’t get pissed. Be glad that your body is healthy and ready to face danger. I’ve heard that the Japanese scare themselves and others to cool themselves down in the Summer months. I guess that’s okay too. I think we crave being scared because we need to know that we can survive anything. Next time you want to hone your human instincts, go to the movies.

Yay being scared!

My Absence and the Equinox

Greetings fellow paranormal skeptics/enthusiasts. I apologize for being noticeably absent from the blogging world. Life, as it usually does, got in the way.

Today for me marks the beginning of an important season. One week away from the Autumnal Equinox, the night of All Hallow’s Eve, Samhain, Halloween, etc..draws near. Perhaps I will be able to pull myself away from my day to day obligations, such as feeding myself and making money, to provide you with a spine-tingling article EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is an incredible challenge, one, that, if I fail, I will be prepared to dish out a fun giveaway prize.

The Fall Equinox has long marked the changing of the seasons, a day in which both day and night are equal in length. The term equinox comes from the Latin aequus (equal) and nox (night), and has thus marked the date for many ancient festivals and celebrations. This month in the Northern Hemisphere it occurs on September the 22nd.

Cultures around the world observe this as a date of abundance and thanksgiving, as it relatively marks the last date in which one can expect a successful harvest before the onset of Winter. Neopagans observe the holiday of Mabon on this date, on which they celebrate thanksgiving and togetherness. It is one of three pagan Harvest festivals.

Prince Charles is a Vampire

Prince Charles has come out of the coffin and claimed that he is descended from one of the most notorious bloodsuckers in history: Vlad the Impaler. Vlad is thought by numerous people who get fang implants and drink cow blood on weekends to be the first ever vampire, spawning a devilish counterculture that has been the subject of teen novels, sexy HBO shows, and Halloween costumes for centuries.

that nose is a dead giveaway

Just how is this possible? Well, the Prince’s great grandmother Mary is apparently descended from Vlad’s own sons.

So what is next for the Prince? Will he ditch his royal jewels and earl grey for UFO pants and tomato juice?

Nope.  He wants to “save the forests” of Transylvania. What a hippie.

EMFs & YOU

Electromagnetic fields, or EMFs, are physical fields produced by electrically charged objects that may or may not be moving. Most objects emit an EMF, including us. In fact, there are slow moving electrons traveling through matter at all times. Even the air around us has a charge.

Many mortals believe that ghosts can manifest themselves within our dimension by ‘borrowing’ some of the EMF emitted by the electron particles in the air, causing random electrical outages or disruptions.

Flickering lights or drained camera batteries often are attributed to ghostly activity in households where the paranormal is no foreign subject. But what if this really was all in our heads?

No, really. What if electromagnetic fields were playing with our brains?

no.

Research shows that high EMF radiation can lead to hormonal imbalance- specifically melatonin, the chemical that helps us sleep and maintain our circadian rhythm, or our internal clock. Researchers infer that low melatonin levels can be attributed to a myriad of health problems, including insomnia, early onset menopause, autism as well as many other issues.

Hallucinations, a feeling of being watched, and an overall feeling of illness are symptoms of suddenly being exposed to high levels of EMF. What places have a plethora of EMF spikes? Old homes, with pre-regulation electrical wiring, usually mixed with newer installations. That’s right, that house you think might be haunted, may actually just need an electrical update.

What are some ways we can expose ourselves to even more electromagnetic fields? Why, just sitting in front of a computer monitor like I am doing right now.

So what happens when it is late at night and you can’t sleep? Your own personal electro magnetic field is compromised. Are you playing Diablo 3 right now? Blaming your constant lag on ghosts? Blame it on your wonky EMF that is seeping from the neurons in your body.

I am by no means a doctor of any type, except love maybe, but after researching the adverse effects EMFs can have on your body, I came up with the following solutions.

  • Limit your computer time. The EMF radiation is enhanced by the light and heat emitted by the monitor.
  • Turn off bright lights in your workspace. Halogen lights emit even higher levels of EMF.
  • Put your cell on ‘handsfree mode’ as much as possible, and only use your headphones when you absolutely have to. Cellphones are said to emit large concentrated pockets of electromagnetic radiation, so maybe all of those hysterical reports on FOX about how cellphones are giving us tumors have a tiny shred of merit. And considering the arrival of the smart phone and touch screen, our dependency on cell phones has never been higher (I know I played Snood on my Iphone until one in the morning last night).

So that explains why you feel weird sometimes. But what about ghosts? You can’t explain that.

3 Explanations for Zombie Like Behavior

Florida. Maryland. New Jersey. Reports of gruesome behavior among criminals is more gruesome than ever.

We begin our tale in Miami, Florida. A man is shot dead by police after failing to cease eating another man’s face. Bystanders report the man was naked, and growling. He tore at a homeless man’s flesh, leaving him utterly unrecognizable. The only shred of this man’s identity left is his goatee. You can view a photo of the aftermath here;  this photo is graphic and may make you pee your pants, if you do not like copious amounts of blood or beard, you shouldn’t click that link. Experts are blaming this event on the consumption of a trendy little drug lovingly called “bath salts”. Area doctors are complaining that bath salts are the cause of temporary insanity and bouts of super human strength. There has been one other reported incident of a similar measure in Miami, in which a young person high on these salty drugs “bit” someone at a party. Not much else about that incident is known by us at PM, but we’d love the opportunity to be fact checked.

Cut to Maryland. A former college student comes out of the basement and admits to not only murdering his old roommate…but also eating his heart and part of his brain (as if that would lessen the severity of things). Not only had he gnawed on some tasty roomie giblets, but apparently he kept other organs and body parts in tin canisters in his family’s basement…was he saving them for a late night snack? This much is certain, fourth meal will never be the same.  Approximately twenty days before committing the murder, the cannibalistic coed apparently bludgeoned some random dude with a baseball bat. He allegedly ran off into the wilderness to avoid being caught.

Next we find a man in New Jersey, throwing pieces of his skin and intestines at police officers who were just trying to help him not commit suicide. The man was subdued not long after, and remains in critical condition. Police believe that either mental illness or drugs may be to blame and are not yet pressing charges. And how could they? The man just threw some of his colon at them. That’s like telling on your friend for flinging a booger on you in the second grade, its babyish and stupid.

So why did these three men decide to down and dirty last month? Maybe they were planning an avante-garde Memorial Day barbeque…or maybe it was:

ZOMBIES.

Once a part of Haitian and African mythology, the culture of the zombie has now been ingrained in the minds of millions of impressionable teens around the globe. In the voodou practicing cultures of the Caribbean and West Indies, Zombies were thought to be reanimated corpses, brought to life by shamans and priestesses to do their bidding. There have been reported cases of people “dying” and then being brought back to life, when in reality it was merely a voodou shaman feeding them a poison to slow their heart rate. After the person was buried, the shaman would dig them up and feed them an antidote, waking them up but leaving them in a trance like state. The shaman would then enslave this person to do whatever they needed, including scare the townsfolk into submission.

But if they weren’t being glamored by a voodou witchdoctor, then what could have caused this morbid string of events?

There are a few rational explanations for real-life zombie behavior.

1. Cotard’s disease

  • Although it does not induce a craving for human flesh, it does cause the afflicted to believe that they are dead, resulting in some scary bouts of behavior. The cure? Multivitamins. Who woulda thought your Flintstone’s Chewables were THAT important.

Zombie Antidote

2. Wendigo Psychosis

  • Thought by many to be mere myth, the idea of Wendigo Psychosis first appeared during the early stages of world exploration. When European explorers came across indigenous communities that often ate human flesh, they decided that it was a disease and wanted to cure them all. When the “afflicted” did not improve after treatment, they were executed. Wendigo Psychosis is characterized by not only the want to eat human flesh, but an intrinsic need and craving for it. That would explain the violent outbursts of our more southern based attackers, but not the man from Joisey.

Issei Sagawa, famous cannibal, and now…painter? wtf

3. Drugs.

  • Good ‘ol American Enterprise strikes again. I’d like to think that many psychotic outbursts are the physical manifestations of wild trips and hallucinations. Experts are already theorizing such in the above cases. Hard drugs like “bath salts” or methamphetamine have been known to cause random breaks of psychosis, and violent behaviors.

hope you’re hungry, Jesse.

I’m willing to revisit this article again in the future should more heinous crimes be committed. Perhaps there’s some crazy illness out there (latest trending illness LQP-79 is all the rage right now) that is spreading faster than swine flu on the East Coast. Either way, I’m locking my windows and gingerly polishing my shotgun in anticipation.

Call of the Bigfoot

Many before me have screamed legends of Sasquatch at the top of their lungs, begging for my assistance in its capture and research. But nay I said to them.

I have highly doubted the “squatch”‘s existence years before, stating that there were just too many things that could be mistaken for a Bigfoot.

Satchmo, Sasquatch. NOT The same.

A bit larger than your typical black bear or escaped gorilla, the Big Foot tends to walk upright like some sort of gentleman. Seen mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America, many have attributed its existence to a medley of misidentification, hoax, and Native American folklore.

In season 3, episode 4 of “Rugrats”, the gang of misguided talking babies are camping in the backyard with their senile grandfather. He tells the infants the legend of Sasquatch, but because they can’t even poop in a toilet let alone walk, the babies misinterpret their grampa, mistaking the monster for the legendary trumpet player named Satchmo. Their hysteria bounds, leaving them crying, screaming, and running around their yard in the middle of the night, afraid of some eccentric jazz legend poised to kill them.

This example of mass hysteria perhaps is an analogy for the fandom of Big Foot. His existence feeds on this hysteria, perpetuating it. If in fact, there was a seven foot tall man, covered in fur, living naked in the wood of the Pacific Northwest in the 1970’s (as I am sure was not that farfetched a notion), he perhaps would have bred by now, creating a litter of non-conformist, pot smoking children in the woods with his hairy wife Helga who ran away from college and from her responsibilities. Perhaps they too would have adopted his insane form of naturalism, allowing their hair to cascade from their shoulders and mingle with their body furs. Long story short, if a Big Foot existed, he would have had to breed by now, or risk dying out completely.

Big Foot needs a Bitch

So besides a trumpet player and a tall hippie, his physical appearance is very similar to that of a gorilla. Sure this gorilla would have to be quite large and able to crip walk, but the resemblance is uncanny. I know what you super-duper skeptics are thinking…WHY look like a gorilla? If this were some mystical beast, why not look like something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT? The answer is simple my pets: SCIENCE.

The scientific “practice” of something called “anthropology” suggests that the appearance of the Big Foot is no accident, nor is it a giant gorilla. The human lineage is quite vast, and includes a plethora of hair men who are hunched over. These men are hominids, or bipedal, or they walk somewhat upright on two appendages, these appendages being their feet. We, Homo Sapiens Sapiens, are the latest version of our evolutionary OS. Our closest relatives are Homo Sapiens Idaltu and Homo Rudolfensis. It is stupid to think that some form of these creatures still exist in the Pacific Northwest, as there is a reason they evolved in the first place. Homo Sapiens Sapiens are so superior, that our members of our own genus species are smart enough to try and fool a rather large group of people into thinking that there is some hairy man walking around Washington State. Whoever created this phenomena had some knowledge of our human lineage, because Wikipedia did not exist in the 1970’s. He or she probably thought that if there could be some fragment of truth in their hoax, coming from evolution, then the hoax could last longer. Well this person is a genius because there are freaks still praising the Big Foot, still running around and pretending they know what a Big Foot “call” sounds like.

Freaks

So there. Bigfoot can be mistaken for an idiot, a gorilla, or a sensual jazz trumpet player. His existence: impossible. Just like the things he is mistaken for.

Orbs- Stupid Dust Particles or Electricity Stealing Ghosties?

Orbs. Tiny balls of light caught on camera. Especially exciting if you are a first time ghost hunter on your first ever paranormal adventure.

And how the HELL did this orb become purple? who does that ghost think he is?

Sometimes, you can even see little tiny faces inside of them. Oh how wonderful.

But wait! There is a science behind these tiny fragments of paranormal hope you’ve found.

Science reveals that:

“Orb artifacts are captured during low-light instances where the camera’s flash is used, such as at night or underwater – or where a bright light source is near the camera.

The artifacts are especially common with compact or ultra-compact cameras, where the short distance between the lens and the built-in flash decreases the angle of light reflection to the lens, directly illuminating the aspect of the particles facing the lens and increasing the camera’s ability to capture the light reflected off normally sub-visible particles.”

-from ‘The Truth behind ‘ORBS”

Some people believe that orbs are actually the spirits of the dead caught on camera. They “manifest” themselves, “borrowing” from the electricity emitted from your camera’s flash. Those thieving bastards.

But alas, the extensive evidence we found on Wikipedia only makes us even more curious. Why do some people capture FACES in their orbs? What are these faces? Are they simply the human mind compensating for the ghost adventurer in denial of the truth? Or is your Aunt Muriel really following your pet cat around your property, making sure her wrinkly, old face reminiscent of a light anomaly is known and her presence felt? Skeptics say that the faces some people see in orbs are really just the person “trying” to see something that’s not really there. Others claim that the actual face of the spirit is representing itself.

I will admit that the photo above was taken five years ago exactly, with a digital camera, on a cold night in the early spring. It hadn’t been raining, and the air was pretty breathable. It was April, and we were at Old Union Cemetery in White Haven, PA. White Haven is on the outskirts of a few coal mines, so wild life is scarce, as is any other types of life. This cemetery was not only rumored to be pretty damn old (Civil War era) but also- pretty damn HAUNTED.

a freakin ghost hanging out by a tree. who does he think he is?

Here we see several orbs, a particularly bright one relaxing under a tall tree. There are a few more in the distance, and an odd streak of light floats in the blackness of a nearby clearing. This could possibly just be some sort of fog, or mist. Maybe it was about to rain, or maybe a group of angry dead coal miners were about to descend upon us.

I will say, that place is creepy, and I felt like I was being watched constantly. Perhaps by hillbillies in the woods, waiting for me to trespass upon their luscious coal mining fields. Or maybe, just maybe, this place was actually haunted.

Either way, there is just too much speculation on the subject of orbs to consider them actual paranormal evidence. Every now and then I see one that really makes me wonder, is that a ghost? Dust? Someone good with photoshop? We may never know.